As a mom, all I want to do is to be a good parent and be the best example that I can be for my daughter. I am not the type of mom that pretends to be the perfect trophy mom. I pain. I fuck up. I curse a whole lot. I struggle and sometimes I lose my fucking mind.
Being a parent is hard as it is then add a mental illness to that and you have a lethal combination. Being a mom with a mental illness makes it that much harder to be a parent. Kids should not see the ugly part of their parents, but sometimes we just can’t hide it.
In my daughter’s eyes, I am strong, invincible and unbreakable. Mom can do it all. But little does she know that mom is in constant state of war with her body, soul and mind. Mom has depression and is constantly fighting a war against herself.
It doesn’t matter how much I try to fight it, depression eventually takes a hold of my soul and wreak havocs my life. The good mom that I try to be disappears into the abyss of darkness.
Depression makes me a bad mom because I am a liar. It makes me constantly lie. I lie that I am okay. I lie that I am not in pain. I lie that I am happy. I lied that I am not tired. I lie when she sees tears in my eyes and I say it’s just allergies or the cold. I lie when I say I just have a headache when in reality my own mind is trying to destroy me.
Depression makes me a bad mom because I am lazy. I am lethargic and I just want to lay in bed and do nothing at all. The dishes pile up in the sink, there’s mountains of laundry, garbage hasn’t been taken out in days and the house looks like a tornado passed and caused mass destruction. I try and I try to get up and do things, but I just can’t function. I feel like I am carrying a ton of weight on me and I can’t physically move.
Depression makes me a bad mom because I am a hot mess. I sometimes don’t even have the will to shower. I don’t shave. I don’t do my make-up. I don’t brush my hair. I go days wearing the same clothes and I just lay in my own filth.
Depression makes a bad mom because it makes me weak. I sometimes cry all day for no apparent reason. Everything makes me feel sadness. Everything hurts. Everything is unbearable. I am feel so weak and my emotions get the best of me.
Depression makes me a bad mom because I can’t cook. I go days without eating. I go days without cooking diner and my daughter has to make herself sandwiches and eat take out food. Because mom can’t find her way to the kitchen.
Depression makes me a bad mom because I am not attentive. Some days I barely even speak to my daughter. I don’t interact with her as much as I want to. I don’t have the energy to do things with her. On these days she’s stuck indoors watching television or reading books while I sleep or just lay there like a lifeless body.
Depression makes a bad mom because I am angry. I am irritable, a nutcase. My temper is easily provoked by just about anything. It seems like my daughter has to walk on eggshells. I find myself getting angry, screaming and losing my shit for no reason.
Depression makes me a bad mom because I am not loving. I am not the same caring parent, it’s really hard to be affectionate when all you feel is agony inside. I am unable to feel/give love. It’s hard to be loving when inside you feel hate. Hate for yourself. Hate for the little control that you have over your depression. Hate that you can’t control it.
Depression makes me selfish because all I want to do is shut myself out and be alone. I’m sucked into my own pain and the only thing I can think about is myself. I don’t care about anything or anyone. I am selfish because I don’t realize that with my distance I hurt those close to me.
Depression makes me feel like a failure. I feel like a terrible mom. I feel like I am doing everything wrong and I am failing because I can’t be the kind of mother I want to be during those moments. I am filled with guilt that I can’t be more and do more. It isn’t that I don’t want to, it’s just that depression completely paralyzes me.
Depression turns me into a bad mom, it eats away my soul, crashes my bones, darkens my heart and it destroys my mind.
Depression makes me feel like a bad mom, but I know that even though I am not perfect, I am still a good mother. I am still human and that there will be times where I need to take time for myself, in order to be a good mom. I try very hard to remember that sometimes even a super-mom is defeated. I am a super-mom and my mental illness is my kryptonite.
Despite my depression I am still a good mom because I always make it through. Depression may temporarily knocked me down and weakened my body but I always get back up. I am only a “bad mom” at times but even in my darkest moments my daughter knows that I love her more than anything.
Now I see that I am not really a bad mom, I am just a mom that has some really bad moments.
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