Last night I got the call to go to the hospital. The call I never wanted to get but I have been expecting it for the last few years. When I got to the hospital I ran to find the ward on which you were lying in a bed on a ventilator.
You were found unresponsive, and was admitted to hospital for detox and re-hydration, you have been in and out the hospital so many times before but this time it was your final admission. You have been trying to drown your demons with alcohol. I know you wanted to get better, you never stopped making plans to stop drinking. You always hoped that a better, happier life was waiting for you on the other side of sobriety.
I walked in the room, a nurse looked at me and said, “she is still with us”. I looked down at the bed, the monitors, assessing your heart rate and blood pressure. Then I looked at you, your face was pale, your lips were blue and then I knew the nurse was wrong. You were already gone. The truth was quite different. That machine that you were connected to, was the only reason why your heart was still beating. I was losing you to that awful disease. Alcohol was claiming another life.
That night I lost a friend, I lost you, that night a piece of my heart died.
As I sat in the waiting room with tears in my eyes, I realized that you had not really been with us in many years. We had been losing you a little bit at a time to a disease.
We were just fumbling about in the dark.
1:36 am
(Wakes up drenched in sweat)
I looked around to find myself alone in my room, it was all just a terrible nightmare. Thank God, it was just a nightmare. But it felt so real, I felt as my dream was trying to tell me something.
I woke up this morning and felt the urge to write this letter to you.
I hope this letter makes you see that, I care for you and want to see you get better. I’ve noticed how much your behavior changes when you drink. It really hurts me to see you go through this. But I want you to know I am here to help you through this. Please stop beating yourself up. You are not a failure because you haven't been able to stop drinking on your own. This isn't about a lack of willpower or the collapse of your determination. Part of your brain has been hijacked, but you can take it back.
Sometimes to see the bright side, you need to sit with the shadow first.
This doesn’t mean the darkness wins, you are not alone, we aren’t alone in our determination to feel better and live happily. We all make mistakes, we all stumble around like nervous idiots and we all get down now and again. And we try to do our best to cope with all the chaos that is going on in our lives, but I want you to know there’s a better way, alcohol is not the answer. You are stronger than what you think.
You have been to rehab, have talked to therapists, I have tried to be understanding of your problem, I have tried to give you tough love and I don’t know what else to do. I am grasping at straws, it’s difficult watching someone I care about spiral out of control due to this disease. Every time you drink, you are slowly killing yourself. Every time you drink, I am slowly losing you.
I am no therapist, but I promise you this:
I will listen. I will hear you. I will see you. I will hold the space. I will care. I can be a source of loving comfort while you rediscover a sense of ease.
I might not have the perfect words for you, but I have so much love for you, and I assure you that in my presence you have the comfort to be yourself. I know you don’t need me to fix this problem. I just want you to know that I believe in you and what you can discover through this. You can unwind and unravel when you’re around me. You can use me as a sounding board or a vision board.
You have me as your friend in this journey.
You have my heart to feel your fears and fortify your faith. You have my eyes to see your anxieties and dream of possibilities. You have my hand to hold while you’re going through this.
Last night made me realize that you mean a lot me and I don’t ever want to wake up one day to find you’re not a part of my life anymore.
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© 2018 Mitzi J Hernandez. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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