This Is What it Feels Living with High-Functioning Depression.

Every morning I wake up at 4:30 a.m. and go to the gym, go to work, train, do a million things, come home, write for a little while, shower, help my daughter with homework, cook, clean, my life is non-stop. I keep myself extremely busy all day to the point to mentally exhaust myself, so the bad thoughts don’t creep in as I lie in bed each night.

My depression seems like a war going on inside my head.

A wreaking havoc on my physical health and general outlook on life. I go about my daily life and excel in public, I keep my mind too busy to be sad or nervous, but when I returned home I entered a different world.

I can tell you I have suffered tremendously with battling depression over many extended periods of my life. If you want to talk about pain and sadness, you're reading something written by a member of the depression all-star team. You would never have known by just looking at my me

There’s a stigma that if you suffer from depression you will show signs of sadness all the time just like the stereotypical image of a depressed person, the one put forward in antidepressant ads and TV dramas, but not everyone who suffers from depression shows it. In fact, imagine one of your acquaintances you talk to every day, it could be a coworker, neighbor, a friend or family member. They smile, chat about their plans, have busy lives and are always so positive.

Now you see what’s on the surface, but the truth is, they’re experiencing debilitating headaches, pain, loneliness and persistent negative thoughts. For example, I often have to drag myself out of bed, but when I do, I'm capable of getting through every task with a great attitude.

Depression is Difficult, End of story.

It is very difficult living with High-Functioning Depression, just because I can work full time and do well, own my own home and take care of everything myself, people underestimate just how deeply I struggle and how hard it is to function some days. It takes time to process things. But you’d never know it.

Those that have High-Functioning Depression may be honors students in college, business executives, physicians, the best employees, or any of a variety of seemingly confident, successful individuals. It’s hard to be understood, part of the reason is that we don't fit in. We may not be skipping work, withdrawing from social activities, feeling hopeless or crying all the time, but we all struggle in our own way.

Not all health conditions are visible to the naked eye.

But just because you don’t notice an illness, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

Just because I seem successful and look like I have it all together doesn’t mean I can’t be one bad experience away from a total breakdown. And that fact scares the hell out of me sometimes.

What you see isn’t always what you get when it comes to high-functioning depression. A person may look like they have everything figured out or may be functioning normally, but their inner world could be vastly different.

Some don't know how to respond to depression, so instead they'll throw around these phrases like "be happy" or "think positive", “snap out of it” or “it’s not a big deal”. As great as those things sound they don't apply to someone with a mental illness, you can’t just “get over” depression or “stop feeling sad.” I’ve tried, TRUST ME!

Being depressed doesn’t make me a bad person, antisocial, or negative.

I can’t stand how little control I really have over my depression. I can do every other thing correctly, eating right, taking care of myself, exercising daily, centering my mind with yoga, reading and writing and all it takes is one trigger to undo all that work. And while I can do a great deal of things, I’m not invincible. Even as much as I’d like to think I am.

Having high-functioning, persistent depression means learning new ways to navigate each day, around the illness. It is a very difficult issue to live with especially if you have people depending on you all the time. I’m still aware every second of everyday about my feelings, my surroundings and how I’m going to get through the next day, I have figured out how to live my life with this illness.

If I would crack open my thoughts, letting the words and images spill onto the open, you'd see the chaos, the pain, the despair, massively violent thoughts, tornadoes, the war inside my head bombarding me every minute of every day.

Each day is a new challenge, a new battle, but I will not let this demon defeat me.